Seven Truths About Happiness
It's International Day of Happiness on 20 March! That makes me so happy. I am all about happiness (Enneagram 7) and have been reading and studying the topic of happiness and wellbeing for a few years now.
Now, a little disclaimer. This article is not listing all the things you can do to become happier. I have compiled a fantastic workbook all about living with more happiness, presence and time-affluence which you can download here.
There are just so many resources on becoming happier, on how to promote happiness, and so on and so forth, and I love talking about it. And in my capacity as a life coach, I also focus on deep happiness and mindfulness which I write a lot about on my blog.
But in this post, I would like to focus on a few areas of happiness which we don’t talk about that often.
The two keys in this article are presence (as always, I feel) and community.
A dark truth is that many people tend to measure their worth with their state of happiness or vice versa. So, before I dive in, I’d like to remind you that you are always whole and a worthy human being.
If you are unhappy - nothing is wrong with you and you are not less whole. Your worth cannot be measured because it always is unlimited, from your birth until your passing, - no matter how happy or unhappy you are.
Being happy doesn't mean you are always enthusiastic, smiling or laughing
Being happy may just be about being content without being complacent. Laughing, of course, is a great indicator of happiness, but feeling peaceful also plays a big role. But it tends to look different to the outside.
When you google “happy people”, all results show shiny rows of teeth, dimples, and happy laughter. But happiness can look calm, concerned, thoughtful, neutral, and for some, it may even look upset (hello, resting bitch face).
I have this conversation a lot with my partner. He is used to me being enthusiastic and bouncy a lot but sometimes I just am and that often confuses or worries him. But on the inside, it feels like I am standing in the middle of a large still lake, and I split-splash around a little - but nothing major happens. But it feels so good, balanced, peaceful and calm. Those moments make me extremely happy.
You can't chase happiness - be present
I suppose, I can never get away from the topic of presence, so here we go. Sometimes, all that we need to be happy is presence. In an extensive study, researchers pinged thousands of people several times a day, sending them a text to ask what they were doing and how they were feeling.
Analysing the results, they found that the subjects tended to be the happiest when they were present with both body and mind and with the task they were doing. But on the flip side, most people only were present with the activities they were doing for around 50% of their time. Yikes!
You could say that a modern disease is to always be in our heads, and it costs us our happiness.
While we can look forward to something that makes us happy - it is just in the mind, an illusion. Happiness (as everything else that is true) happens in the now because there only is the now.
Later we may be looking back to a happy memory, but those get primarily made by being present in the moment, as Meik Wiking (CEO of the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen) has discovered. So, awareness is key.
When we believe that we can chase happiness by getting a bigger/better house/car/dress/body, we will suffer from the fleetingness of the effects of these measurements and we may constantly look for the next fix, losing touch with the present moment on the way and missing out on what is actually in front of us.
(However, we can enhance our happiness in the present moment by, for example, being truly present and intentional. This activity is called savouring and you can read my blog post on it here.)
Sometimes it is just about how much we are able to handle not being happy
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being happy. I am an Enneagram 7 and love my enthusiasm. But this can get a little addictive! Some even turn into happiness junkies. But being healthily happy also means being content even when you are not happy.
What helps us with this notion is the beauty that everything is impermanent. This too shall pass.
This may sound scary to you. But everything is fleeting. Sadness as well as happiness. So, being unattached to being either, and understanding that this too will pass is a game-changer. Your ego wants to protect your identity and can get very attached to what makes up your identity in that very moment. So, being unattached and being able to go with the flow - even when you are unhappy - is amazing. It means that when you notice that you feel unhappy, you don’t indulge in that feeling which already makes the situation a lot better.
It’s all relative
We need both sadness and happiness in order to experience happiness. This duality is what defines the two states.
Have you ever seen the series The Good Place? It is a fantastic show. Spoiler alert: when they get to the Good Place aka heaven, no-one seems happy. Everything is always happy and great and perfect and beautiful and unicorns… But everyone has turned into a lethargic zombie.
The thing with happiness is that we get used to things. It is called hedonic adaptation.
That is why gratitude practices are so powerful - they make you be grateful for being healthy - while you are healthy. Often we only get to appreciate what we took for granted when we lose it. There is that duality again.
But this balance, this yin and yang, light and dark, feminine and masculine, is what is needed in order to experience happiness too.
Resilience is key
The ability to bounce back from and coping with stressful experiences is key to true, deep happiness and wellbeing.
At times we can choose what happens to us but at times we cannot and we are subjected to external circumstances that we don’t have any control over. Again, here it is important to be aware of what is true - be aware of what we can control and what we cannot control.
When we know what we cannot control, it helps to accept the circumstance for what it is - it doesn’t mean that we are being complacent or victimise ourselves. When we know what we cannot control, acceptance is the first step to feeling better. And when we know what we can control - for example, our perception of what is in front of us (is the glass half full or half empty), asking for help, taking small steps - it gives us back a sense of mastery over our own life.
Remember - we can never control how others think or feel about us or how they react to us. That is in their realm of control, not in yours. So, making peace with it or just not getting hung up with it is essential.
The good news is that we can learn resilience and practising equanimity through meditation is only one way to do so.
Social comparison is real
When we get to be present in the here and now, be truly content with what we have, we have better chances to deal with the phenomenon of social comparison.
Social media can make you happy and inspired if you feel your own inner wholeness and if you are curious and open to lean in.
But many people are buying into the misunderstanding that they are not whole. Not complete. That is the whole point of advertisements: “You are not whole until you get this new car/house/body/yoghurt.” It focuses on external happiness which is always fleeting. There is the hedonic adaptation again. We get used to the stuff and our happiness level sinks down to where it was before.
So, when other people have that thing that makes them “more whole”, we may get jealous or feel less whole in comparison!
For many, unfortunately, social media is an unhappiness trap and at the same time addictive because of how it is designed.
If you want to be truly happy, give yourself and your devices a break from social media on a regular basis.
Community & belonging are crucial
Research in psychiatry and psychology has consistently shown that positive relationships are the most influential factor contributing to positive mental health.
Having a strong stable network of friends, colleagues or family that makes you feel held, heard and supported is detrimental to your happiness.
Community is my word of the year and I attempt to put extra effort into building my own local community, spending more time with friends, giving to others, listening, inviting others into my home and life, and make small human interactions part of my everyday life by, for example, saying hi to everyone I meet in my neighbourhood.
When you open up and give this inclusivity to others, it will not only brighten their day and make them feel safer than before, it also gives you more happiness and meaning.
Some established institutions studying happiness:
Blue Zones
In his book The Blue Zones of Happiness, Dan Buettner primarily focuses on the three pillars purpose, pleasure and pride.
The Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen
At the Happiness Research Institute of Copenhagen, they measure happiness worldwide on three different levels: purpose (eudemonic happiness), life satisfaction (evaluative happiness), emotions (affective happiness). Their CEO is Meik Wiking, he has a TED talk about the dark side of happiness and wrote The Art of Making Memories, The Little Book of Hygge, and The Little Book of Lykke.
Action for Happiness
There is an excellent set of key activities/qualities put together by Action for Happiness, a movement sparked by the International Day of Happiness established by the United Nations General Assembly on 28 June 2012.
The acronym is GREAT DREAM:
Giving, relating, exercising, awareness, trying out, direction, resilience, emotions, acceptance, meaning
