Welcome, 2021 – Why New Year's Resolutions Often Don't Work Out And What You Can Do Instead
Last week I went down short-memory lane, reviewing my own experience with 2020 (you can read my year review here), and now it is time to look forward.
Since awareness is key – noticing what is through stillness – a year reflection is the first step to live your life intentionally, even if it can get a little uncomfortable.
But when you have reached that point, how do you continue? Many people set New Year’s resolutions.
And while that may work for some, setting resolutions may not be the right thing for you.
I, for one, find setting New Year’s resolutions just, well, weird! In my case, they are often drafted hectically during the last few days of the year, not being really connected to my current state but a very general attempt at just doing something different in the new year.
Maybe you can relate.
And one more hearty problem around setting New Year’s resolutions is that they are nearly setting us up for “failure”. (Not that there is such a thing as failure – it is all just learning and living. Just saying.)
Often, they are not thoroughly thought through like a 5-year plan or even 1-year goals may be, but they revolve around the betterment of the self.
So, when you drop the resolutions - even just for a day or week - it can trigger feelings of failure, not being enough or giving up entirely.
And that’s such a shame and totally unnecessary.
Things that could put you “off track” are
A changing schedule and therefore less time or energy to follow through with your resolution
If that happens - that is totally okay. Things change and we are constantly adjusting. We are adjusting to our environment every single day and sometimes you just have new or different obligations. It is what it is and there is no reason to see your resolution as failed or even see yourself as a failure. Just no.
A change in environment or other life circumstances
Imagine, let’s just say, a pandemic happens, for instance! Gosh, a year ago this example would have been considered way over the top and here we are… So many things have changed. Again, here is the big word – change! And these are external circumstances that you simply cannot and would under no circumstances be able to control. Let it go. Go with it. Make it work for you if that works for you. But practice awareness and self-compassion first. If you drop the resolutions, do so with grace or just don’t care – but don’t make it a representation of your own value.
You forget about your resolution
Weird but true. We set all of these high-aiming resolutions, perhaps even while we are on a break from work and normal life circumstances, and once we are back in the middle of daily life, they slip our mind because they were perhaps not extremely suitable for our lifestyle in the first place. And when we remember our resolutions or find the little piece of paper that we wrote them down on neatly folded in our desk drawer, we should not be angry at ourselves or even disappointed. We were inspired in the moment we wrote them. So, go ahead and see what off that list you can do even if to a small extent. If they are still down your alley, that is. Because…
You may change your mind and want to do something else instead
And obviously that one is also beyond okay and human. You may be familiar with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies. Gretchen Rubin is a happiness researcher and developed a personality profile framework (The Four Tendencies) to help people understand how they and the people around them deal with their outer and inner expectations. The four tendencies are the Questioner, the Upholder, the Rebel and the Obliger.
Source: www.gretchenrubin.com
This is very valuable and useful information but unless you are a Rebel (you may be changing your mind a lot anyway and not worry about it too much), here is a reminder for you: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND! Don’t pigeonhole yourself. Learn about yourself! You may be good at fulfilling others’ expectations on you or your own expectations on you but that doesn’t mean that they are set in stone or that you are “bad” when you don’t fulfil them. Just no. You are allowed to change your mind because your life changes every single day. So, your circumstances, your dreams, your options, available time and money, everything changes. Your cells change constantly, too. So, why shouldn’t you be “allowed” to change your mind?
The list goes on.
But don’t get me wrong. The idea of resolutions is great! But it does seem to simply go against the grain of human existence and that of all things.
Because everything is changing all the time. It is called the impermanence of things.
Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield was once asked by a magazine to contribute an article on how to make New Year’s resolutions last in a mindful way.
He had to reject the offer.
Because they won’t last, because everything always changes.
That said, I have written a post before about how to carry along your activities from the lockdown into post-lockdown times with intention (or simply into the future if you are still living in lockdown). You can read the post here.
What you can do instead:
Have a word of the year (or two or three)
A word of the year is a much more general thing than setting a resolution. In that way it gives you more freedom. The word can be a single concept or value that is important to you and that you want to live by. For instance, I had set myself the words “adventure” and “dream life” for 2020. But it could also be things like “happiness”, “friendliness”, “parenthood”, etc. It can look however you want it to look. For me, “adventure” meant to travel by car for the first time, to drive to the sea and have a few little vacations there, exploring beaches and forests, and going bouldering more. “Dream life” turned out to be a tough one. One that made me dig (painfully) deep in my human experience, past traumas, re-evaluating my current situation, discovering how I want to live, and quitting my job (you can read more about that in my personal Year Review for 2020). But all of these things have now brought me much closer to how I want to live. I spent all my time in the car coaching myself through different scenarios, teaching myself how to make properly aligned decisions, and getting closer to being more unapologetic myself. That’s also in line with “dream life”, at least for me.
What would have been your word of the year 2020?
And what would be your word/s for 2021?
My words for 2021 are “community”, “freedom”, and “intuition”.
An extra tip for having a word of the year – don’t just scroll through your social media feeds for fancy words. Look inward. Have you been writing diary last year? Read in there to find themes in your life. What have you been missing deeply this past year that you could live by in some direct or creative way in 2021? And keep looking within during the next weeks. Remember, you can change your mind. Plus, a single word is quite flexible and stretchable.
Discover the purpose of your resolutions/intention/plan with the exercise seven levels deep
Because the main thing you will need in order to make a change sometimes is a pretty good reason WHY you want that thing changed or WHY you want to create that new habit. It is important to know your "why" so that you can use it as a motivation if you are getting “off track”. And yet – when off track – it is important to be full of self-love and self-compassion and to not judge yourself. That’s where 7 Levels Deep comes in. Ask yourself “why is that important to me?”. Then answer that question. Then ask again “why is that important to me?” about the previous answer, and so on. Until you have asked yourself “why” seven times.
I have a free gift for you that has a page devoted to this exercise. You can grab it by clicking this link.
Have an accountability partner/ask a friend to join
Having an accountability partner may work for you or not, or it may only work for certain areas in your life. I, for instance, am usually really good at keeping myself accountable – but I started co-working with a friend which I also see as an accountability catch-up so that I really follow my dreams. Because sometimes, the dream you wish to live may seem too big and unreachable. But when you can dream it, you can achieve it. But together is better. Together is always better. You don’t have to do this thing alone. Get a friend or friends on board with you for the thing you want to achieve this year. It will also give you more time socialising (the happiest and longest living people socialise about 6 hours per day!), more opportunities to ask for input or feedback, and it just makes it more fun!
Hire a coach
Do your dreams seem overwhelming or your life a little messy and you don’t know where to start? Are there places within you that you would like to explore but not alone? Would you like someone with expertise to guide you and hold you accountable over a period of time? Then, hiring a coach would be a great idea for you. Having a neutral person help you “give birth” to your ideas and plans and create sustainable ways to reach what you wish to achieve or create can be an immense game-changer.
I know it has been that for me. In 2020, I had booked a coaching call and it was absolutely fantastic for me. So much so that it inspired me to weave coaching into my own offerings this year! In fact, I will begin offering coaching in just a very few weeks!
If you are interested and would like to be the first person to know, you can sign up for my waitlist here. You will also be the first to know when my coaching page is up and running, and when you can book into free Discovery Calls to see if we would be a good fit!
Long story short, it is about being compassionate of yourself, being flexible to change, and knowing yourself.
For that we need to learn to recognise what is, tap into our being, to surrender to our truth, embrace it, become it and remember it through time – to live life with more happiness, ease and flow.
