The No-Fluff Guide to Setting Boundaries And Sticking to Them (GUIDE)
Let me share a truth with you. If you don’t honour your boundaries, others won’t either.
Does this sound familiar? You made a plan to go to bed earlier so you can get up refreshed and well for once, but it didn’t happen? Or you planned a phone detox on Sunday, but then it didn’t happen? Or even: you planned to reduce contact with a person who feels like they are invading your space and spreading negative energy - but then you let them back in at full speed? Or you planned to only work on your business until 6 pm, but then the voice inside your head said, “just one more thing” for like 2 hours?
I feel you!
Setting boundaries is haaaaaard.
But what would happen if you actually managed to keep them up and you felt more in control of your life? What if you managed to keep them up and as a result you feel physically, mentally and emotionally better? What if you kept the boundaries up and are inspiring others to do the same?
That’s what I thought.
That doesn’t sound too bad, right?
The issue with boundaries
The issue is that we often think about boundaries as restrictive. Or we think that they reduce the time/money/fun we get. Boundaries take away from something we have. Boundaries can mean loss and lack.
Well, yes, if you think about your boundaries in that way, it is definitely a ton harder to actually keep them up.
Now think about boundaries this way:
Boundaries increase your productivity. Boundaries create space. Boundaries give you back control. Sticking to boundaries can raise your sense of self-trust and confidence. Boundaries create gain. Boundaries may be the missing piece to get you ahead in your life and (physical/mental) health goals. Boundaries mean win and abundance. Boundaries are goals.
Imagine your personal boundaries to be the fence between a walkable path and a deep enticing forest. You can either get lost or you can mark out a path that guides you through the forest of distractions, shiny objects and limiting beliefs.
Boundaries help you create the path in life you wish to go.
Boundaries can refer to emotional boundaries, time-related boundaries, boundaries in relationships, boundaries around phone usage, boundaries around availability, boundaries at work, boundaries around what not to spend money on or what not to spend time on.
They are as versatile as our lives are and everyone craves, needs and deserves different boundaries.
Why are healthy boundaries so important?
Someone who has healthy boundaries has a healthy sense of their own self and their own worth.
And so, having healthy boundaries means drawing a line in the sand between who you are and what your needs are and who someone else is and what their needs are. So often we break our own boundaries because of what someone else needs/wants from us or because of what we think someone else will think of us if we stick to our boundary.
If I would stay up late every time my partner says, “Oh, you are already going to bed!”, I would not be able to live the life I live right now. And you know what? As a result, I would be upset, I would unconsciously blame him or be ashamed of myself for not letting myself go to bed at my favourite time. Frustration festers, low self-esteem creeps into the veins, thoughts like, “well, if I cannot even go to bed on time - what can I do?” Make their way into everyday thinking.
Healthy boundaries are important for your own self-esteem and your mental health. It’s as simple as that.
In fact, here is a fascinating video in which psychotherapist Barry Michels explains how self-constraint and confidence (It’s only 3 minutes long)
Why do boundaries NOT mean you are selfish?
Setting yourself boundaries means that you respect your own space and needs and you ensure your own happiness, well-ness and sanity.
It means you prioritise your health.
It means you prioritise your taking care of yourself - your self-care.
And we know how the discussion around “is self-care selfish?” goes: you need to fill your own cup first.
I believe that two of our main purposes in life are enjoying the human experience and giving back to the community. But the truth is that the own cup comes before someone else’s cup.
By setting yourself boundaries, you ensure that you are your healthiest and happiest and truest to yourself self. From that place, it comes a lot more natural and sustainable to give back.
Why is it so hard to stick to boundaries?
But I get it. It’s hard, right? It is so hard to set yourself boundaries. I have definitely been there. And I have gotten a lot better. And as I am writing this post I am thinking, there are a lot more boundaries I could set for myself. But hey, it’s a process, right?
But again I sense that it is super important to reiterate why it is so hard and why it may be hard for you to set boundaries.
“Some people can't set boundaries because they don't yet care enough about themselves to preserve their sanity and space. You communicate self-respect by imposing boundaries on disrespectful behaviour. We teach people how to treat us by showing them how we treat ourselves.” (Brianna Wiest)
You may also find it hard to create and stick to your boundaries because
you have not been demonstrated how to do that when growing up
have received the message somehow that boundaries are selfish or bad, or
the boundaries that you set yourself have been violated or not respected by others, invading your space and giving you the sense that you are not worthy of having boundaries.
But it’s your choice. And it’s your life. And you are worth it. It’s your birthright to have your time, space and emotions respected. By others AND by yourself.
It’s hard not to do what’s forbidden.
Below I am sharing a few examples of healthy boundaries, but let’s first do a little experiment.
What happens if I tell you: Do not think of a pink elephant!
What happened?
Exactly.
“Pawoo!”
So, what happens when you think, “don’t eat cookies after 8 pm?”
Very likely you will just think about eating cookies after 8 pm!
The thing is that in many cases a boundary is also the “negative” of a goal.
It’s the black sheep in the family of goal setting - or the pink elephant, I suppose.
Not always, but sometimes.
By that I don’t mean that it’s negative to have this boundary but that the language you use to express the boundary may use negative words, like “not”, “don’t”, “only”, “can’t”… You get the idea.
But your brain mainly registers more important words like verbs and nouns. Like “eat” and “cookies”. And a cookie monster is born ♥.
Examples of healthy boundaries using “negative language”
I don’t check my phone after 8 pm
I don’t engage with a certain person more than once per week
I don’t spend money on purses, shoes, books (whatever comes to mind that you may want to fill in here ;))
I don’t eat after 6 pm
I don’t join my friends when they gossip
I don’t spend more than 1 hour on social media per day
I don’t check work emails on the weekend
I don’t go to bed later than 10 pm
Now, that’s a whole list of rules of things I “can’t” do and suddenly life seems really boring and restrictive, right?
But do you see how you can also flip any of these boundaries into a positive?
I can check my phone all the way until 8 pm, after that I connect with my partner or read
I engage with this person once per week and make the best of that
I get to spend my money on a lot of things and I am saving the money that I don’t spend on purses/shoes/books for my next vacation
I eat before 6 pm so that I can sleep better
I choose not to gossip about people (okay - this one still has a negative in it - maybe you know a version without any and let me know in the comments!)
I can spend one whole hour on social media every day - the rest of my time I spend on my non-negotiables, like reading and meeting friends IRL
I check my work email during the week and take a due break on the weekend to maintain my mental health
I get to go to bed at 9.45 pm and then read a book for 15 minutes
Now, the second list sounds a lot better, right?
It’s more inspiring and therefore it will be easier to actually stick to them.
And that is because you focus on what you gain from that boundary - how does it benefit you? Inside and out?
Are there any boundaries you have in place that you find hard to stick to that may just need a flip on the positive head?
Nevertheless, there are times when we prefer to think about boundaries as plain boundaries in order to maintain our beautiful health. And sometimes we call them boundaries so that we can communicate to others, “I don’t go there”. So, below I am sharing a number of points that I recommend for when you are setting yourself boundaries.
You will notice, though, that sometimes it feels like I am talking more about goal setting than boundary setting - but really they are VERY related.
Hey there! Before you read on, I would like to grab your attention 💛
You have made it to one of my top 5 popular posts! Over 500 people in the last 5 months alone have read and learned from this article and messaged me about it! Can you believe it? I certainly can’t. These numbers really inspire me to support you more. So, if you like this post and would like to go deeper with me on this, I invite you to fill in a brief poll so I can learn how I can support you more. Because I LOVE putting engaging experiences together. And I LOOOVE going on and on about the art of boundary setting. So, if this sounds like this is for you, fill in the poll and we go from there! This should just take a few minutes and you might even learn something about yourself.
Cheers, Nina xo
How to set boundaries
1) Gain awareness of your existing and (obvious) missing boundaries
Do you already have any boundaries in place right now? Why are they in place? Where do they come from? Are they serving you? What’s missing? Are they boundaries that you created for yourself or are they inherited boundaries – boundaries you took on somewhat unconsciously by observing your parents, for example?
2) Visualise the life you want to live
What is it that you want? When you mark out the path, you want to know where the path is leading you. If you don’t know where you want to go, it is a lot harder to work toward it and the easier it is to get distracted and to disregard your own boundaries because they don’t seem to carry a lot of meaning. Setting goals and visualising the life you want to have is a beautiful exercise and imperative if you want to create a boundary that you can stick to. But it may take some time to get used to. Sometimes we don’t even dare to dream! But give it a go and think about what you truly want in life. If you could have anything - what would that be? What would it look like and what would it feel like? What would you do if you had zero limiting beliefs? You want to have an emotional connection to the vision that you are working toward. It is this vision/idea/goal that you are setting the boundaries for.
3) Write it out
While it can be an intimidating task, just write down what came up when you thought about what your dream life would look like. Write about every area of your life - and how you want them to look and feel. What do you want your health, your work, your friendships, your relationship to money, your wealth, your home, your spirituality, etc to look and feel like? Write down what a day in the life of you in that vision would look like. How would your day unfold? How would each activity feel and why are you doing them? And in the process, make sure this is the life you want to live - not someone else and not a life you think you should be living.
4) Do the maths
So, once you know where you would like to go with your life (on a grander scheme) or small areas in life, think about it logically. Use that beautiful rational brain of yours. For time-related boundaries, think about it this way: If you have 24 hours in a day and you want to do the things you figured out above, plus 7-9 hours’ sleep (you should not negotiate your sleep) and work a certain amount of hours, how much time do you get to spend on what? Remember that sleep and your mental and physical health go first. You owe it to yourself.
For relationship-related boundaries consider where your at right now, if it is working and what you need to do to create the relationship or the level of relationship you desire. (You can always ask for help!)
For money-related boundaries: You may have discovered that you dream of buying a house. Then it is time to check your financial situation and perhaps set some boundaries in place, e.g. I don’t spend money on physical books. My budget beyond rent and bills is X dollars per week.
5) Name the limits
Once you have figured out what you logically need to do, say it out loud, my friend. Even tell the person in the mirror about it. Take yourself seriously. Repeat the limits you are about to set yourself and see what happens.
6) Start small
Keep it simple. If you have a vision of feeling the most vibrant you have ever felt, there are certain things you can do right now to get started. One area may be that you want to go to bed earlier. Then consider, when are you going to bed at the moment? And then set yourself an alarm to go to bed 10 minutes earlier. An hour earlier can be a shock and it seems so foreign that it may be harder to stick to. Set yourself small boundaries to begin with.
7) Feel into your body
Now, you have thought about your boundaries with your rational brain. Beautiful! But that’s only half your wisdom. The danger with this is that sometimes, we make decisions that are inspired or influenced by other people which means that it may simply not be the right decision for us.
But it is your boundary. So, you want to make sure it is truly yours.
So, drop down into your body. Slow down, even close your eyes, become really present.
Think about the boundary you just created. Think about the boundary, the possible implications (not the fears that you might have of what someone else might think about you because of this boundary - stay with your self).
Listen within and notice if you can sense any sensations. Is there a contraction? Is there an opening?
When you set yourself boundaries, part of it is making a decision and you want to make sure that the decision is right for you.
8) Are your boundaries respecting & supporting your values?
When you set boundaries make sure that they are leaving room for you to live in alignment with your values. This is very important because your personal core values give you a sense of direction and meaning in life. Make sure you remain aligned with them.
9) Remember that boundaries are not here to restrict you
Boundaries are not a ban. They are a permission. They create space. Remember that and maybe find a way to formulate your boundary in a positive way like above. You can add the deeper goal that you have with your boundary to it as well as it will serve you as a motivator and inspiration to stick to your boundary. Focus on what you gain – or lose.
10) Put it in your calendar
When you write it down, as a rule, or as an event in your calendar, it becomes real. We tend to learn and internalise goals better when we write them down. So, you can find a way to put time-sensitive boundaries in your calendar.
11) Set up alarms on your phone
Do you set yourself alarms for when you get up? Awesome!
Now, do you set yourself alarms for when to go to bed? Or for when to get ready for bed? Or for when to stop working? Or when to stop using your devices?
There is a lot of power in setting yourself alarms for the purpose of sticking to boundaries. And yes, at some point we will just ignore them, but be creative. Set a new alarm, give it a different ringtone.
12) Keep the goal in mind
It is very easy to let go of new boundaries because they haven’t yet become a habit and they still seem new. That is why it is so important to keep your reason/why/vision visible. You can add it to the alarm you set up, you can write it on a piece of paper and stick it to your bathroom mirror or to your computer. Keep.it.visible.
13) Set consequences
Another way of thinking about your boundaries as serving a goal is considering the consequences that will follow when you don’t stick to your boundaries. Simply ask yourself questions like, “what will my life/health/relationship/goal look like if I don’t stick to these boundaries for the next year?” or “Where will I be when I don’t stick to this boundary?”.
14) Make the decision over and over again
The truth is that sometimes we just need to make the decision over and over again. And it may not sound like a secret sauce, but sometimes that’s just all it is. If you manage to stick to your boundary for a few days, wonderful! If you then begin to struggle, make the decision all over again. Refresh that initial hit. You will be better for it.
15) Have an accountability partner
You can also ask someone to be your accountability partner. If it helps you to have someone text you at a certain time or call you at a certain time, ask someone you trust if they would mind helping you stick to your boundaries. You can explain to them why you are working on them - or not. It’s up to you. You can ask a friend, a family member, someone you know online, or you could even hire a life coach!
16) Evaluate your boundaries
After a while, have a look back at the boundaries you set yourself and evaluate if they are still serving you. Sometimes they just don’t. Sometimes you may want to adjust them. Maybe you started going to bed at 11 pm instead of 12 am and now you want to start going to bed at 10.45 pm. Evaluate and adjust where necessary, but remain judgment-free and kind to yourself.
17) Communicate your boundaries
Ooohhh, juicy!
This can be hard but it is a real test of your self-discipline and your commitment. When you have created your boundary and you made sure that it feels right for you and that it is what is missing in your life, you want to communicate your boundary to those who are concerned or to those who are about to break through your boundary.
And this can happen in a very kind and friendly way.
And yet, you want to be assertive and honest and learn to say “no”.
When someone else seems upset because of your boundary, you don’t need to change your boundary.
You don’t even need to explain it. It is your boundary and they are there to make your life better.
Just imagine what happens when you don’t stick to them because someone asks you not to. How do you feel about that later? Maybe you feel regret or shame. Learn to safeguard your boundaries to not let this happen.
18) Be strict
I have to break it to you - if you don’t respect your own boundaries, other’s won’t either. Why? Because it’s hard and because we live in a world where we expect everyone to be available at all times. Be assertive. Step into this with a sense of strength and worthiness. Because that’s what lives within you.
19) Respect other people’s boundaries
When you ask others to respect your boundaries, make an effort to also respect the boundaries of the people around you.
This can be just as hard as putting up your own boundaries but it means that you are respecting someone’s time, space, emotions, and whatever else they may have boundaries around.
You can even support them in keeping up their boundaries. Hold them accountable.
There is nothing bad about boundaries but there seems to be a stigma around them.
Especially when it comes to how available we make ourselves to be.
Maybe it is time to simply normalise boundaries in our lives and in the lives of others.
20) Be kind to yourself
You didn’t respect your boundary? You didn’t stick to it?
It’s okay.
It’s so fine.
You are human, after all.
Remember to be just kind to yourself. Try again.
This is what it can be like. Sometimes we need to make the same decision over and over again.
21) Work on embodying your worth
Boundaries have, as you have read above, also a lot to do with our own self-worth: “Some people can't set boundaries because they don't yet care enough about themselves to preserve their sanity and space”.
And as harsh as this may sound, it is also a truth you may have to see.
Then it is time to do that inner work.
To dive a little bit into discomfort, to release pained trauma, to feel the sensations and emotions that come with it, breathe into them and let them wash through without any judgment, to explore the limiting believes and to plant seeds for new beliefs.
It’s when self-compassion deserves a whole new status in your life to help you work through the blocks and fears that make you believe that you don’t deserve to have your time, money and space respected by others or yourself.
The Takeaway
Setting boundaries can be tough. But they are also a major cornerstone of your wellbeing, mental health, physical health, financial freedom and self-esteem.
And you deserve all of that.
I know it seems hard at first but I know you got this.
What is one boundary that you want to set yourself? Tell me in the comments! Have you been trying to set it for a while? How are you planning to go about it?
References & inspiration include
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
Dr Nicole LePera: How To Do The Work
