6 Ways To Get In Touch With Your Emotions Instead Of Suppressing Them
Our human experience is so vast and multi-layered and beautiful, and emotions are playing a very important part in this.
Emotions are ancient, we are born with them which means it is what has worked for the past 50 thousand generations of humans (Daniel Goleman). They are an integral part of our being and it is important that we know how to work with them.
Some of us spend a lot of time indulging in their emotions (remember those teenage years?) and some of us prefer to ignore their feelings and suppress them. Some of us grow up with emotionally unavailable parents. Actually, already in 1995, Daniel Goleman wrote about a “worldwide trend for the present (note: in 1995) generation of children to be more troubled emotionally than the last: more lonely and depressed, more angry and unruly, more nervous and prone to worry, more impulsive and aggressive”. (That’s my generation! Yeay!) And then there is society preaching us the shoulds of life. When we enter the workforce, we learn that “emotional” is not compatible with “professional”, and at times the word “emotional” is even used as a way to insult someone between the lines. I’ve certainly been there. Sometimes, we believe that emotions are a female thing and a man has to work even harder to oppress theirs.
But really, emotions are a part of your biology. Each emotion has a purpose. Suppressing emotions doesn't work. Instead, it can cause diseases, depression and emotional outbursts.
“Nobody has ever taught us how to manage our emotions. Most of us have just been taught to bottle them up. And we know from research that when you bottle your emotions up, it actually wreaks havoc on your body. If you feel angry, and your heart rate rises, your blood pressure does, and you sweat, etc. But if you bottle that anger up, all of those systems go haywire. The physiological repercussions in your body are way more intense and also destructive.” (Emma Seppälä)
But being in tune with your emotions gives you access to a world of knowledge that is programmed in your body. There is not only the mind with thoughts, experience and learned knowledge. There are also instinct, intuition, and gut feelings.
So, why do you want to get more in tune with your emotions? Well, it creates a more rounded experience of yourself. There is the mind, the subconscious, the body, the behaviour, and your emotions and feelings. All together, they form a symphony of your very individual self.
Quick intro to emotions:
Emotions are not only feeling sad, angry or happy. Emotions come with triggers and bodily sensations. They also come with specific breathing patterns. Different schools have looked at emotions in slightly different ways, but these seem to be the three main components - circumstance, bodily sensation, feeling. Even your mind can play into it when you, for example, attach certain beliefs to a situation. So, when someone is “emotional”, they are going through a physical experience that was triggered by an event which they may even individually connect with a subconscious memory or belief.
There is always a reason why we feel an emotion, and originally, they are even supposed to make us move in some way (e.g. fear = run, anger = fight, surprise = freeze).
Let’s just say it is complex.
Now, a lot of literature is about how to harness & regulate your emotions, but what if you find it difficult to get in touch with them in the first place? That is why I am sharing 6 ways on how to do that right below.
Here are a few things you can do to get more in tune with your emotions.
1) Exercise and notice your bodily sensations
If you find it difficult to get in tune with your emotions, take the back route. Since emotions are connected to our bodily sensations, you can start there. Get active, do star jumps, go for a run, do a crazy dance or whatever your preferred workout is, and then feel into your body. Where do you feel tingling, pain, relaxation, or exhaustion? Feel into these sensations and bathe in that presence for a while. Remember this blueprint. You can also do this when you get lost in thought about something - get active and back into your body.
2) Do a body scan
This is another body-focused exercise. In a body scan, you do what the name implies, you scan your body from top to toe (or toe to top) for sensations. This is easier when you exercise first because your blood will be pumping, but you can also try it without exercise. To do the exercise, get comfortable. You can lie down or sit in a comfortable seat. Let go of any obvious tensions. Relax your face, your brows, hands and belly. Now, focus on the top of your head and notice any sensations that come up. Then, lower your attention to the forehead, eyebrows, cheeks, nose, the whole face. Then further down to the neck, shoulders, arms, elbows, hands, chest, back, all the way to the toes. Very likely, there are areas where you can’t feel any sensations and that is okay. Instead of trying hard, try less and relax.
3) Try to name your feelings
You can do this during your body scan or separately. As humans, we feel emotions about 95 % of the time, every day. Emotions are always there. Technically, being “emotional” is a constant state to be in. So, at any time of the day, you can ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” It can be really hard to name our emotions. In some situations, you may think you are angry, but actually, you are sad. But do try and a few times a day, check in with yourself. For example, at work and you get nervous before a big presentation or someone said something that upset you. try to feel that in your body, locate the bodily sensation, notice your breathing pattern and try to name the feeling you are having.
For some inspiration - you can use the Feeling Wheel by the Gottman Institute here.
You can also make it an exercise and write down all the emotions you know on a piece of paper. There are various studies and researches attempting to really nail down what our basic emotions are. According to Goleman, they are anger, sadness, fear, disgust, joy, love, surprise. The feeling wheel uses mad, sad, powerful, joyful, peaceful, and scared. You can also journal about your day and include a section about the feelings you have experienced that day.
4) Know your values - How do you feel when they are or are not met?
Our “negative” emotions can become particularly strong when we feel that our needs aren’t met. That is what at least some emotions are made for - to make us react. So, try to pay attention to what happens in your body if, say, you are very passionate about the environment and you see someone drop their coffee cup in nature. And vice versa, how do you feel when your values are met? Do you feel purposeful, joyful, calm, grounded?
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5) Get creative
The ultimate antidote to suppressing your feelings is expressing them (within the realm of reason, if you know what I mean). So, get out your brushes, your pencil, your cooking utensils, make-up - whatever it is that lights you up and gets you creative. Creativity can also mean dancing to your favourite song and getting your body moving. When we feel like we suppress our feelings, the world feels numb, kinda grey rather than colourful, and you may feel a little lost. And that is okay. Compassion is the first step, and creativity the next. When we allow ourselves to express our feelings and to be in tune with them, life feels so much richer and momentous. So, create yourself a safe environment and get going.
6) Notice when feelings are overwhelming you - Breathe and be kind to yourself
Feelings are a biological part of us. They regulate where our blood goes, they regulate our energy levels, and stress can even reduce our field of vision. All of that is feelings. When you are aware of such a state, take a deep breath into your chest and into your belly. Notice where in your body you can feel tensions. Science is showing that emotions are very directly connected to our breathing patterns (Emma Seppälä). So, breathe into those tensions and allow them to be there. As you breathe in, your heart rate increases and as you breathe out, it slows down. So, focus on your out-breath more than you are used to. We tend to mainly focus on our breath in, but the other way is just as important and cleansing. Send your tensions some love and breathe into them. Our sensations really only stay in our body for 6 - 90 seconds. Stay with the tension and see how it dissolves, once you accept its being there. (If you can still feel the sensations after that, that is a different story - then we get into mindset work.)
Pro tips
Talk to friends about your and their feelings.
Become curious about other people’s emotions. Ask questions and listen. Others crave to be heard as much as you do. Then, also share your own feelings. We connect through our emotions and our vulnerabilities. And we can always learn from the people around us. That said, if you experience deeper trauma, talking to a professional can be more helpful - but breathing techniques may help you even more to release the trauma than talking because talking about it may make you relive it over and over again (Emma Seppälä).
Don’t be afraid of what may come up.
After suppressing feelings for a while, they can build up on the inside and manifest. Once we start the work of letting them lose, things may come up. But that is where the magic begins.
Don’t judge yourself.
When we judge our feelings, we judge a part of ourselves. When you hear your inner critic coming up - don’t judge him/her either. We don’t want to layer judgment. Our feelings are an expression of our objective surroundings, our subjective experiences of life and our subconscious. None of that needs to be judged, and all of it wants to be seen and heard and loved. By you.
Over to you! Let me know how you go with these exercises! Are there any other ones you can think of you would like to share? Let me know in the comments!
